*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Uh oh…
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming