*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
According to math, I’m broke
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
can’t catch a break
Saw online –