*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My teenage children choosing violence
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]