[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.