[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
You Might Also Like
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too