OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.