Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors