You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My therapist after every session
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!