Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
become ungovernable
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*