It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
How dramatic are you?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
not seeing the problem
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
More like Kate Missington.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.