pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A roof is a house hat.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese