pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The honesty is refreshing
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.