“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there