“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts