PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My dress code is business-casualty.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here