PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
This dude got his own movie?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
good let them take over I have had enough
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it