@EdgarAllanLo: Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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@rolldiggity: I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
@WhatevaConc: [At the register] "Find everything ok?" "No I figured I'd get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again."
@Kyle_Lippert: A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"
@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant] Me: do you have orange cat food? Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna