@EdgarAllanLo: Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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@ComedicBust: MECHANIC: looks like it’s the transmission. It’s going to cost 5 grand. ME: [hiking up my pants, pretending I know what I’m talking about] Sure it’s not the ol’ mcgriddle? MECHANIC: the McDonalds breakfast sandwich? ME: Debit or credit?
@PaperWash: [1st date] date: ...you said you had abs me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
@ZaynabHashem2: 2017 whatsapp notification: Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*