Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
the simulation is moving too fast
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors