Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.