Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.