What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
i guess his teacher was really pissed
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.