There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings