Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.