[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“OMGJK” -atheists
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.