[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Sign at work today
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder