[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard