[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You Might Also Like
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Phones down.