@kelter1: Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian's dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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@liv_thatsme: If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, "hey, that wasn't nice." Buy some time.
@omgthatspunny: Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
@BoogTweets: Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar? Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I'm serious, it's just for crows.