Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza