Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
opening twitter today
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists