Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
you stereotypes are all alike
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
March 16
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.