PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
just pretend nothing happened
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.