PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
You Might Also Like
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.