@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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@gabemakesmusic: I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as "senseitational"
@AnkCoupleTO: [special ops briefing] Leader: We're going in deep & hard in the middle of the night Me: I bet you say that to all the boys L: Get out
@calamitydaisy: If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?
@Mike_Bianchi: Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.