Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]