@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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@NightValeRadio: Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How's work? You look great. You want some tea?
@Thing_Finder: I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.
@krustythe_klown: Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
@NonCombosMentos: *incoming text* "hey bud can I crash at ur place" Sure come on over *sound of approaching airplane*