@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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@murrman5: [waiting with friend for his test results] "I'm nervous" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
@WilliamAder: Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@MableGertrude: Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
@SteveSackington: If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?