Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.