WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I hope Alan is OK
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Y’all know who you are.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
he’s doing your taxes
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
War & Peace
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not