If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream