philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
just left a huge legacy in there
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.