@KenJennings: "Phone Call to My Dad" feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background
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@AaronCSU54: My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@Michael1979: Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not "free ducks" and you're NOT allowed to take one