[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.