[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank