*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Something Saturday.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation