At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious