[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Great acting.. 😂
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us