“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.