*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.