*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.