MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there