[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Erm…
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.