[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT