[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind