*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Gemma Correll
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.