[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.